


The Princess Bride: A Hoshigaki Production

by dinosaurspice



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Domestic, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Like the whole thing is quotes, M/M, Many of quotes from THE PRINCESS BRIDE, Modern Era, probably massively OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 08:55:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14305212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinosaurspice/pseuds/dinosaurspice
Summary: Itachi suffers Kisame doing THE PRINCESS BRIDE as a one-man show. Literally the most self-indulgent ficlet I've made outside of RPs, and it's all thanks to a brief, vivid daydream and Tumblr.





	The Princess Bride: A Hoshigaki Production

**Author's Note:**

> Some of the dialogue is paraphrased from the tags of @konohagakureship on my original Tumblr post. Link at the end.  
> Shout-out to @not-so-terrible on Tumblr for inspiring this mess (on the same gd post).

“This one.”

 

Kisame is squatting in front of the DVD shelf, and he holds up his chosen case. Itachi, curled into a corner of the couch, looks up from his phone and promptly frowns.

 

“Not that one,” he deadpans. He turns back to his phone.

 

Kisame splutters. “What? Why not?”

 

“Kisame, please, we’ve watched that one twice this month.” Itachi pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing. “I can’t do it again.”

 

Kisame, taking the DVD with him, flops onto the couch and jostles Itachi roughly in the process. “Come on, Itachi, you don’t even have to do anything. Just watch it with me.”

 

Itachi, less than pleased about nearly being thrown off the couch, sinks deeper into his corner. He has to put the phone down because another sudden movement from Kisame will surely knock it out of his hands.

 

“Of course, I have to do something,” he grumbles. “I have to suffer through a lot of campy scenes that are basically ingrained in my memory. The same scenes that you _do_ have memorized at this point.”

 

“’Cause it’s the best!” Kisame grins suddenly, and it gives Itachi a bad feeling. “ _Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters_ —”

 

Itachi sends a withering glare to the wall.

 

“— _chases, escapes, true love, miracles!_ What more could you want?”

 

Itachi knows the line that comes next, but he _refuses_ to voice it. Kisame doesn’t wait for him, though. He takes Itachi’s hand and waves it limply as if to animate it.

 

“Doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll try and stay awake,” he recites in a lighter, boyish voice. He drops Itachi’s arm and lowers his voice to a slightly gruffer, older timbre. “Oh, well, thank you very much. Very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.”

 

Itachi sighs again, heavily. “Kisame, what’s the fun in watching it over and over and over—”

 

Kisame is already approaching the DVD player, though, and as Itachi hears the disk slot close, he resigns himself to his fate. The movie’s opening scene is so familiar it induces a headache. It’s the one Kisame’s just played out, and Kisame apparently isn’t even tired of it because he talks right along with the actors, measuring his voice to carry the same inflections and volume and rhythm. He doesn’t miss a beat, and it’s _freakish_. Some people have favorite movies, but no one’s passion could match Kisame’s.

 

“That day, she was amazed to discover,” Kisame speaks with the grandfatherly narrator, “that when he was saying ‘As you wish,’ what he meant was ‘I love you.’”

 

Kisame emphasizes the final phrase with a dramatic, though tender, touch on Itachi’s knee. Distressingly, Itachi can’t tell whether the gesture is purely theatrical or out of genuine emotion.

 

With all the grimness of a man facing his doom, Itachi knows he’s going to have to endure a hundred repetitions of “As you wish” and “true love.” Itachi rubs his forehead and closes his eyes. He’s seen the movie enough times by now that the scenes play out in his head, regardless. Good _god_ , how can Kisame say “Great Prince Humperdinck” with a straight face?

 

“I hired you to help me start a war,” drawls Kisame, glancing at Itachi as if he were actually talking to him. “It’s a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.”

 

Itachi, unimpressed, silently arches a brow.

 

“Probably he means no _harm_ ,” Kisame continues later in the scene, copying Inigo’s accent. And then in Fezzik’s voice, he adds, “He’s really very short on _charm_.”

 

Maybe Itachi has lost too many brain cells to this dreadful movie, or maybe he’s going insane, but he can’t help the little snort that escapes him. Unfortunately, and predictably, this encourages Kisame. By the time the man in black, Westley, is hanging onto the cliff and Kisame has exclaimed “Inconceivable!” for about the fifth time, he tries to rope Itachi into his _fun_.

 

“This is your part, Itachi!” he goads, patting Itachi’s leg excitedly.

 

Itachi stares at him blankly. He’s pretty sure Kisame has just made a dig at him because the next line is—

 

“You keep using that word,” Kisame as Inigo states. “I do not think it means what you think it means.”

 

“Kisame, _please_ —”

 

“That’s you, and you know it.”

 

Itachi doesn’t know how to respond to that. It hardly matters, though; Kisame is already immersed in the scene again.

 

“But I do not think you would accept my help. Since I am only waiting around to kill you.”

 

Kisame stifles a laugh at this. All Itachi can think is _Really?_ But that’s just like Kisame, finding amusement in ironically casual banter.

 

“That does put a damper on our relationship,” Kisame agrees with himself.

 

The scene continues, and Itachi takes his enjoyment, the little to be had in what must count as actual torture, in watching Kisame instead of the actual movie. It’s impressive, really, how flexible his voice is in timbre and intonation. Even his facial expressions change to match the words.

 

“You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you. _You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die._ ”

 

He really is a one-man show.

 

“You mean, you’ll put down your rock, and I’ll put down my sword, and we’ll try and kill each other like civilized people?”

 

Some madness seizes Itachi again, and another snort slips out. Kisame flashes a grin at him before turning back to the movie. On screen, Westley tries pitifully to lift Fezzik. Itachi kind of sympathizes for Westley here; he has about as much a chance of physically moving Fezzik as Itachi has with Kisame.

 

“I just want you to feel you’re doing well,” Kisame as Fezzik says, encouragingly. “I hate for people to die embarrassed.”

 

The madness returns, and Itachi thinks he feels a little of that warmth he felt the first time he watched _The Princess Bride_ with Kisame, so, so many nights ago. Fezzik is probably Itachi’s favorite, if he were forced to choose a favorite torture device.

 

God, and why is it kind of funny that the string music plays only with Westley’s nods here? Why hasn’t Itachi noticed that until now?

 

“Death cannot stop true love,” Kisame whispers. “All it can do is delay it a while.”

 

Itachi cringes. “This movie is insufferable.”

 

Kisame takes Itachi’s hand, lacing their fingers together, and brings it to his lips. “You’re insufferable.”

 

Ah, and here comes the Pit of Despair. Strange, it looks nothing like Itachi and Kisame’s living room, the truest Pit, but Itachi supposes an adaptation can’t stay true to _all_ the details of the original. He forces himself not to smile when Kisame chuckles at the torturer’s wide-eyed facial expressions.

 

“Bow to the queen of slime! The queen of filth! The queen of putrescence!”

 

“That seems a little excessive,” Itachi interjects. Kisame doesn’t even grace him with a “shush.”

 

Itachi will never understand how Kisame can exclaim “Yes, I am a silly girl!” and, despite his closer resemblance to Fezzik, make it sound _convincing_. It’s a gift. Or something like that. His passionate soliloquy about Westley’s true love even stirs something warm in Itachi again, but the sheer ridiculousness of the moment rather dampens it.

 

“Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only _mostly_ dead.” Kisame again looks at Itachi as if he’s imparting some great wisdom that Itachi hasn’t heard a thousand times before. “There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.”

 

Itachi grimaces and swipes his hand out of Kisame’s. However, he doesn’t resist when Kisame tugs it back into his grasp.

 

“Let me explain.” Kisame pauses, as if contemplating. “No, there is too much. Let me sum up.”

 

In another bout of mania, Itachi finds himself smiling. The movie is almost over.

 

Kisame leans in close to Itachi, and Itachi thinks he’s actually going to tell him something, so he leans in, too.

 

“Inigo,” Kisame whispers, “I hope we win.”

 

Itachi wants to shove Kisame away, but cold fury has frozen him. That, and the memory of Westley failing to wrestle Fezzik. But the memory also puts Itachi in half a mind to strangle Kisame, who, of course, continues having a grand, oblivious time.

 

“Then wuv . . . _twu_ _wuv_. . . will fowwow you fowevuh . . .”

 

Unconsciously, Itachi’s thoughts align with Humperdinck’s next line: _Skip to the end_. He’s grateful that he hasn’t accidently said it aloud; Kisame would never let him hear the end of it.

 

When Inigo’s fight with Count Rugen begins, Kisame’s voice starts to rise with Inigo’s desperate passion. Itachi already has a headache and won’t stand for a full-volume rendition right in his ear.

 

“Kisame, please don’t shout,” he says.

 

“Hello!” Kisame stage-whispers, squeezing Itachi’s hand gently. “My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to _die_!”

 

Itachi smiles tiredly.

 

Finally, _finally_ , the movie is ending. The prince is tied up; Inigo has had his revenge; Fezzik is outside with four white horses; and Buttercup is about to jump gracefully from the window. Still, Itachi has eyes only for Kisame.

 

“Fezzik, you did something right,” Kisame sighs.

 

Silently agreeing, Itachi lets another, slower smile appear, and Kisame looks at him again, eyes glittering with satisfaction.

 

“Don’t worry. I won’t let it get to my head,” he concludes and gives a little wink.

 

Itachi rolls his eyes, just a little, and pulls Kisame in close. He’s really quite sick of this movie, and he has decided Kisame could use a break from his constant talking.

 

In the background, the narrator goes on:

 

“Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.”

**Author's Note:**

> The Tumblr post with the tags I used: https://konohagakureship.tumblr.com/post/172885878616/random-naruto-daydream


End file.
